Seeds of Envy
by Yzak's Mousuke
Summary: Athrun gets a bit drunk and vents off his frustration to a stranger. Rated T just to be safe since I used words that I think may be offensive to some.


Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Seed/ Destiny

Author's note: I was so frustrated with Kira's behavior and felt so sorry for Athrun in Seed Destiny that I wanted to write this for him. Please ignore references to events that may not have happened, this was done to magnify why Athrun might be envious of Yzak. I wrote this even if I have not watched a single episode of Destiny (different region, ya know) although I've read the summaries so my interpretation of events are those that appeared in the summaries. I suck at titles. Setting is in a bar room. Athrun had one drink too many and he is talking to the bartender.

SEEDS OF ENVY

I don't understand why Yzak is still so envious of me. Doesn't he know that he is so much luckier than I am?

Sure, I graduated at the top at the academy. Big deal. It only means that I am faster at killing, maiming and disabling things and people and only in that batch. My friend Kira, if he is still my friend, didn't even go to the academy and yet he is at times better than I am. Some people might say that if you are the best then that means your chances of survival is higher. But do I really want to continue to live? My continued existence only means death to those that I will face in battle. Those people who have families, children, wife, husband, mother and father, sisters and brothers while I, I have no one.

Yzak is lucky to still have both his mother and father. I've seen them. Dearka teased Yzak mercilessly about his being a mama's boy, still kissing and hugging his mother like that, like he was a still a little boy. I wouldn't mind that, if I could only be given a chance to kiss and hold my mother again. What would I give to be given another chance to see her. She loved me. I know for a fact that she loved me until her last dying breath. Unlike my father. _Fire the genesis._ Those were his last words. I would have forgiven everything that he had done, all his madness had he said that he loved me. But the fool, _fire the genesis_. I should have written that on his tombstone, "Here lies the fool whose last words were Fire the Genesis."

Stop it you say. What about Cagalli, you ask? What about her? She chose duty over me. She agreed to marry that, that abomination of a man. I thought she wanted us to be together, to fight together. She would not even think of that if she loved me half as much as I love her.

I loved her. I love her still. I see her face each time I close my eyes. I wish I didn't. It would be selfish of me to say but don't we sometimes wish that our loved ones would love us back just the way we want them to? That they will tell us that everything will be alright and _actually _be there to hold us as they do so? Look at Shiho, Yzak's girl. She declined a promotion because she didn't want to leave his command. It was a huge honor to be given your own team but she said no. And it wasn't because of that lame excuse she gave, that she wasn't ready. Everyone knew she was, that it was only because she wanted to be near him, everytime, all the time. I hate myself for thinking this but I wish sometimes Cagalli would love me just as much. What I hate more is that I still love her, yearning for her and craving for her and I don't think I will ever stop.

And then there's Dearka, Yzak's best friend, best buddy, partner, brother, confidant, a soul mate if ever there was one. I didn't use to begrudge Yzak having a Dearka in his life. After all, I had Kira. But what kind of friendship that turned out to be. When Yzak told Dearka he had to replace his mother at the council for a while and that he needed help, Dearka dumped Miriallia (oops, that was a secret), packed his bags and became Yzak's bodyguard and personal assistant. When I told Kira I had to go back to the PLANT, what kind of support did I get? A whole lot more emotional baggage to carry back, that's what. Dearka would give his life for Yzak but just recently, my "bestfriend", he hacked the mobile suit that I was in. Never mind that I needed it to protect my ship and myself. It was in the way so he dismembered it. And to think that I was so naïve just standing there thinking he will not shoot at me since I was his friend and we were not enemies. It was only his views that were important, always his. Always his feelings, what about mine? When will it be my turn? Even Yzak listened to Dearka when he thought Dearka turned traitor. But no, it was always about Kira, Kira, Kira. What about me?

Sorry if I am whining and complaining. I normally just suck it up and move on. But, nowadays, I just wish I was Yzak Jule. _That lucky bastard._


End file.
